One way or the other I have had a life related to the spiritual world. It started out as the traditional Christian church upbringing. My church experiences extended through low Anglican to Presbyterian to Jehovah Witness, a few Alpha courses, some information on other standard religions. I then got into what could loosely be described as actual spiritual guides or people discovering and using said guides. Nature connections were quite big too. Eventually, I moved on to what is known as energy healing with dips into self-help books. I recently discovered Shamanism. There have been various contacts with Yoga, gurus, various techniques to access the energy flow in our bodies, Chakras. I am currently involved in TaeKwonDo. Throughout this, I held on to my own beliefs that may be influenced by all of the above but don’t fully jibe with them.
I live now and have always lived with very practical people. My husband has no interest in religion as a practice. He firmly believes that what the churches teach is hogwash. What exists is what you see. He believes in a force but that force doesn’t have the faintest interest in us, at least not as far as affecting our personal lives. The Bible is a historical book. Evolution is the basis for creation, not creationism especially when creationism says we have only been on this earth for 7000 years (or 5000, I lose track of when the beginning was supposed to have been).
The above information has led me towards a belief which includes the Universe and many, many non-physical beings including both mans’ Gods, God, my greater self, guides, friends and more. The above living has created a dual understanding of the world/Universe (in future this combination is understood whether I write one or the other). This understanding creates a definite juxtaposition in me. I cannot choose one or the other. I have come to believe that is a necessary and purposeful thing for me. Too much of my life in all of its areas involves juxtaposition. Somehow, somewhere I need to find a place where I can join both worlds or act as a bridge between worlds on the understanding that travel goes both ways not one.
This is my problem with all of my explorations into other worlds. This is why I am angry. At least that and the fact that my external life is unbelievably bad; personally, my husband’s health, financially, pretty much everything. Everybody talks about a one-way trip.
Life does not go one way. Yes, it is possible to live in a world with high vibrations, feelings and visions. Yes, it is possible for those individuals to live successfully and practically in this world. It is also possible to live on a fully practical level, utilizing energy as solely a physical thing, living within your five external senses, fully feeling and enjoying this physical world. Each is valuable. Each is necessary. Evolution is not a one-way street. I suspect that eventually we will discover that neither is the universe. There is much, much more to the universe than a bunch of stars and whatever always expanding outwards in a one-way direction. The problem is not with the universe or evolution; the problem is with our ability to discern.
In every belief system or “way of life” or philosophy or theory of attraction, there are rules. These rules must be followed. If you do not have success, it is your fault for not following the rules. If you do, you have obviously followed the rules. Honestly, come on. In the fully practical world, the individuals who make it to the top in any area of life do so by being different, by standing out or in some other way not following the rules (in fact that is one of the rules – be different). Energy Healing methods either tell us to have completely positive vibes which are then going to automatically lead us to positive lives (that being the true goal and of course, help others) or they tell us to deeply explore our negative feelings, to let go of them, thus allowing positive vibes to flow in. Again – not happening, your fault, try harder (which by the way negates the statement that this is not something you struggle for). Then there are the God and Universe rules. You show them (it) that you are worthy, that you really want it, and then they might deign in their fatherly (motherly, it) goodness to allow you to have it. Obviously, if there is no success, you screwed up. The simple truth is that God, the Universe or whatever you name your belief is not human. They do not have human emotions. Every portrayal ever created of them has been a metaphor to help understanding not a literal statement. That is what metaphors, what language does. It is not what a God or Universe does because a God or Universe doesn’t do. Applying human consciousness, human actions to something which is supposed to be beyond humanity, beyond the world, is to demean it.
Here I am then. Feeling terribly guilty because my husband’s health which was supposed to be completely resolved is getting alarming – way too many doctors appearing again; my health is just weird and our financial health is unbelievably bad and getting worse daily. According to the rules of every belief that I have explored, the right way of acting will bring manna, whatever that means to you. Unfortunately, I do truly believe that living in tune with your purpose and the Universe (if they are different) will bring you your version of Eden. Since my life is obviously not that, would be much closer to Hell in fact if I actually had succumbed mentally to my external physical conditions, it must be my fault. I must be being punished for something terrible. Problem is I don’t know what that is. The incredible guilt is very real.
Yet how can I be punished by a force that is beyond such things? If I am not being punished, there is no need to feel guilty for some great unknown crime. So, what? Guilt is a feeling, not a thing that you use when needed and throw away when not needed. How do you let go? Commit – to what? Then there is the fact that this time I said no, I did not fall prey to the guilt and end up in a permanent panic attack (or more accurately permanent seizure). In fact, I have been more fully in contact with my personal guides, gods and friends. I am having beautiful visions – the current one is that I have finally left the prison I have held myself in and am living in my true garden of Eden. Yet my external life keeps on getting worse. The financial outlook is bleaker every day.
What gives? I was incredibly angry when I started this. The anger is lessened for the moment but nothing of significance is happening in my external life and you can only live on internal visions for so long. The body, unfortunately, is very physical and needs physical nourishment. I guess that is what annoys me so much about all these wonderful “ways of life”. Great story but not a whole lot of physical reality.
Truth – I am several thousand dollars in debt some of it critical. I am in overdraft as of tomorrow. If I am lucky I might have 200 of that to live on (read buy food) until March 28. The only form of obvious resolution is to renegotiate our rent. That has been initiated, I think.
- Bob’s c. difficile has not been resolved, the doctor is trying very serious drugs, an infectious disease specialist has been called in, a colonoscopy has been demanded, she is worried that he has had angina attacks.
- My health particularly my blood pressure is wildly erratic.
- my future is an incredibly dark hole.
..........- not terribly sure of the ground I am standing on.
I was told to do what inspired me and came easily. This is it. Let the bounty begin.
No comments:
Post a Comment